Behind closed doors

I had a dream last night about enrolling back in UiTM Puncak Alam, or Palam as we call it, for my degree course. Even in my dream I disliked it so much I cried. You can imagine how much I dislike going back there in real life. I have my reasons. I can never understand my course mates, who claimed they miss Palam when it has only been three days since they left. Even until now, it’s close to three months since we left, I still haven’t developed a sense of longing of that place. I did feel weird googling these photos to insert in this post, like a very slight sadness but it’s a weird feeling I can’t even decipher into words. Another thing that also happened today was seeing my high school junior’s photos of her in Palam. That was pretty weird too. I’m sure she doesn’t know me very well but I did gave her my two cents about life there when she was contemplating whether to enroll in Palam or Matrix. I was honest with my opinions and gave her pros and cons of both institutes, I guess her heart goes to Palam. To be frank, I’d choose Palam over Matrix any day, although knowing I’d have healthier social life if I choose otherwise. Anyways I’m proud of her for continuing the legacy(?) of ex Lok Yuk student studying there. Maroline and I were the only ex LY students to go there last year, and I didn’t want that ‘trace’ to extinct somehow.

With Maroline. 7 years and counting.

With Maroline. 7 years and counting.

Notice how I used the term ‘healthy social life’ earlier. It’s one of my biggest, if not the biggest stress I have during my stay in Palam. I’m a very difficult person, it’s hard to approach me cause I seem uninterested in socializing and the fact that I can never converse without the other party initiating it first. Unless in the event that I’m comfortable with you which usually doesn’t happen unless in extreme cases. To make matters worse, the life in Palam is soooooo different from my life in Sabah. It’s so hard to adapt, as a matter of fact I did not adapt even after one year. I can’t talk about the differences in detail as they’re sensitive matters.

I live with 7 other housemates, and 6 of them were so close with each other they’d eat, hang out together, only Maroline who was my roommate and I were excluded. We live behind closed doors. We zone out. I zone out. I think Maroline would do better if I wasn’t being so stubborn, in fact she had better relationship with them than I was. I just couldn’t adapt. I do better in class. I’m not as reserved when I’m at the faculty, I talk I laugh we joke around. I’m so thankful for the existence of Iche who was my classmate, a fellow Sabahan. We have the same gag code and similar interests, and the fact that I’m so reserved and she’s always so bubbly, she brings it out in me.

Iche and I during our class trip at Skytrex Shah Alam

Iche and I during our class trip at Skytrex Shah Alam

I was unlucky and lucky at the same time. I was unlucky because I didn’t have many friends, I was awkward wherever I go, I couldn’t adapt, I couldn’t understand the people, the people couldn’t understand me and it was hard. I was lucky because I have friends to help me cope all this. I wasn’t alone. In lectures and class, I have Iche who is my partner in crime. We come to class together, we’d skip class together. Neither of us want to come to class if one wants to skip. Our classmates call us a combo pack, because really we ALWAYS stick together. In my house, I have Maroline who’s been my best friend since Form 1. I can say we understand each other after those years spent together so I find comfort in her. I think I’d die alone in that house from awkwardness if it wasn’t for her. We’ve gone through a lot behind Room D’s closed door for a year. And lastly, outside class and my house, I have The Usuals. It’s usually me, Maroline, Azu and Naf. We’d have dinner every night without fail, except those busy days with study groups. Azu was my classmate back in primary school while Naf was in the next class from the same primary school so I know them both for a long time. It’s the same reason again, all of us have the same code thus we match. All outings outside Palam are spent with these crazy girls. We have a lot of crazy inside jokes and made crazy nicknames for people in Palam ranging from Wolverine (the very first victim we made on day 1 of orientation which is day 1 of us meeting), Chuck Norris, Bart, That Guy, Si Ketat, Espirit Guy, Chalker Boy, Scumbag (I,II,III,IV), Scumbag Vain, Bitch of Palam (which we shortened to BaLam for easy reference), and a looooooooot more. It’s a crazy clique, I must say.

The Usuals: (from left) me, Azu, Naf, Maro

So I have my loss and gain. I pretty much lived in my own tiny bubble. The reason I don’t wanna go back to Palam is because it reminds me of the bad memories I had, how restricted I made myself there. It’s kind of stupid but it does affect me a lot. I want to go to a new place where I can start over, with an improved ‘me’, in a new environment, new set of people, new everything. That’s the reason; I feel like I can’t start new if I go back there. I feel like I’d get hold back and continue my degree life with the same old attitude that I spent my one year with, restricted. It’s about two weeks until I know my placement for degree, and out of the 10 choices I applied, two of them are in Palam. Will fate be funny to my life and choose that 1/5 chances? Till I write again.

Amalina, xx


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