lost

Hey.

I’m listening to Nell’s Healing Process album as I’m typing this and I’m telling you the songs are far from healing they are so depressing it’s sucking the soul out of me so please excuse the level of depressing-ness this post will contain.

I’ve been very busy lately since I started attending university. Well I had plenty of time for the first three weeks but when I write I tend to drag my emotions into it and I don’t have time for that nor do I want to do that to myself. I haven’t been keeping up with all the kshows out there thanks to the very slow internet connection at my college. I did put up with the shitty connection to download my favorite drama Master’s Sun. The drama’s ending tonight and that contributes a huge chunk of my depressiveness now. Do you know how hard is it to have So Ji Sub do a romantic comedy? And have him paired with the Lovely Gong? IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE until the almighty Hong Sisters made it happen.

Again, please just excuse me.

Anyway. University has started. In fact it has been more than a month since I’ve been here. It’s better than foundation. Room mate’s great. House mate’s okay. Still awkward with classmates. Don’t let me start with lecture mates. I still don’t like what I’m doing. Dispensing class seems intriguing. But that’s about it. The people in my faculty are meh. What do you expect from brilliant students. Apparently there is a name that other faculties label us as from ages ago.

“LAME”

Yes. Isn’t that the saddest thing ever. But I can’t blame them. All you have is these super brilliant students who mostly scored 4.00 pointer and read books and work hard and come early to lecture halls just to secure the front seats and so much more that scream the opposite of me. SIGH.

On a brighter note, I’ll be KK bound in exactly a week for Haji holiday! I could really use a week from all these depressing settings. I used to not understand the comfort of home. I precisely know the feeling now. On an extra brighter note, it’s my favorite month of the year. I’ll be 19 this month! But to celebrate it with the people here who (((has yet))) to mean anything to me like how I mean nothing to them is equivalent to not celebrating at all. Meh.

I’ll try hanging in. I will try.

xx, Amalina

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AUGUST

It’s half past twelve at my place now. August has finally come. We have only a week left in Ramadhan, and with that being said Raya is coming in a week. As I get older, I’ve gotten less interested in the whole Raya hype, my family being the huge only reason why. August is also my last month working at Cotton On Kids. Now that I’ve realised, I never mentioned about my part-time job in this blog. Maybe I’ll post a short entry on my last day. This month will also be my last month here before I start my dreadful degree. I’m leaving on the 30th, tickets all booked since last month. I still have a very heavy heart about that, but let’s not talk about that now. So I have about a month left to myself, I hope I’ll spend it wisely, without regret. I also have lots to say, in fact I have few entries that went into my drafts cause I got lazy typing midway, but I’ll be sure to put them up by this week.

amalina, xx

“Will fate be funny to my life and choose that 1/5 chances?”

That was what I said in my entry here few weeks ago. I really hate it and everybody close to me knows how much I hate going back there. 1/5 was the chances of me going back to Palam. It could be smaller than that as I am more than qualified for the first course choice that I applied, and thought that I’m almost confirmed for it *biggest life lesson, over-confidence will only bring you down.. all the way down to the deep valley of depression* but of course, I was proved wrong because this is what happened..

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Can I just cryyyyyyyyyy. Okay, first of all, the result was out and I found out I got Bachelor in Pharmacy in UiTM. It is my 6th choice and I got it. All the other courses above pharmacy that I chose have lower academic requirements, mostly 3.00 pointer, while pharmacy usually requires 3.7 and above. While pharmacy’s core subjects are chemistry-based, chemistry is not my forte at all. In fact I never managed to get an A for Chemistry while doing my foundation. I only scored A- for both semesters, and organic chemistry was the biggest reason why. To make matters worse, the faculty of pharmacy for UiTM is placed at.. *drum rolls* Puncak Alam! Yayyyyyy! Woohooooo! Congratulations you have scored a jackpot!!!!!!

NOT.

*wails*

Now I’m not gonna write on why I resent that place so much since I already mentioned it in my previous entry. People around me try to comfort telling me that it’s a good course. Well I can’t disagree with that since pharmacy is indeed one of the famous three so called ‘critical course’ and I am thankful for that. When I saw the astounding numbers of failed applicants that didn’t even get a place, I felt bad for even feeling this way. Maybe this is what Allah has in store for me. There is a reason why all of this is happening.

Honestly I don’t even know my ground now. I’d resent it, and then try coming up with a few good points and then be okay about it, and then hate it again, and tried thinking positively telling myself it’ll be all right and like it, but I’ll hate it again. It keeps going around and I don’t know which side I’m at now. But there’s nothing I can do about it now since I accepted the offer already. Now all I can do is wait and experience it myself.

Fate is funny, indeed.

xx,
a depressed future pharmacist(?)

Behind closed doors

I had a dream last night about enrolling back in UiTM Puncak Alam, or Palam as we call it, for my degree course. Even in my dream I disliked it so much I cried. You can imagine how much I dislike going back there in real life. I have my reasons. I can never understand my course mates, who claimed they miss Palam when it has only been three days since they left. Even until now, it’s close to three months since we left, I still haven’t developed a sense of longing of that place. I did feel weird googling these photos to insert in this post, like a very slight sadness but it’s a weird feeling I can’t even decipher into words. Another thing that also happened today was seeing my high school junior’s photos of her in Palam. That was pretty weird too. I’m sure she doesn’t know me very well but I did gave her my two cents about life there when she was contemplating whether to enroll in Palam or Matrix. I was honest with my opinions and gave her pros and cons of both institutes, I guess her heart goes to Palam. To be frank, I’d choose Palam over Matrix any day, although knowing I’d have healthier social life if I choose otherwise. Anyways I’m proud of her for continuing the legacy(?) of ex Lok Yuk student studying there. Maroline and I were the only ex LY students to go there last year, and I didn’t want that ‘trace’ to extinct somehow.

With Maroline. 7 years and counting.

With Maroline. 7 years and counting.

Notice how I used the term ‘healthy social life’ earlier. It’s one of my biggest, if not the biggest stress I have during my stay in Palam. I’m a very difficult person, it’s hard to approach me cause I seem uninterested in socializing and the fact that I can never converse without the other party initiating it first. Unless in the event that I’m comfortable with you which usually doesn’t happen unless in extreme cases. To make matters worse, the life in Palam is soooooo different from my life in Sabah. It’s so hard to adapt, as a matter of fact I did not adapt even after one year. I can’t talk about the differences in detail as they’re sensitive matters.

I live with 7 other housemates, and 6 of them were so close with each other they’d eat, hang out together, only Maroline who was my roommate and I were excluded. We live behind closed doors. We zone out. I zone out. I think Maroline would do better if I wasn’t being so stubborn, in fact she had better relationship with them than I was. I just couldn’t adapt. I do better in class. I’m not as reserved when I’m at the faculty, I talk I laugh we joke around. I’m so thankful for the existence of Iche who was my classmate, a fellow Sabahan. We have the same gag code and similar interests, and the fact that I’m so reserved and she’s always so bubbly, she brings it out in me.

Iche and I during our class trip at Skytrex Shah Alam

Iche and I during our class trip at Skytrex Shah Alam

I was unlucky and lucky at the same time. I was unlucky because I didn’t have many friends, I was awkward wherever I go, I couldn’t adapt, I couldn’t understand the people, the people couldn’t understand me and it was hard. I was lucky because I have friends to help me cope all this. I wasn’t alone. In lectures and class, I have Iche who is my partner in crime. We come to class together, we’d skip class together. Neither of us want to come to class if one wants to skip. Our classmates call us a combo pack, because really we ALWAYS stick together. In my house, I have Maroline who’s been my best friend since Form 1. I can say we understand each other after those years spent together so I find comfort in her. I think I’d die alone in that house from awkwardness if it wasn’t for her. We’ve gone through a lot behind Room D’s closed door for a year. And lastly, outside class and my house, I have The Usuals. It’s usually me, Maroline, Azu and Naf. We’d have dinner every night without fail, except those busy days with study groups. Azu was my classmate back in primary school while Naf was in the next class from the same primary school so I know them both for a long time. It’s the same reason again, all of us have the same code thus we match. All outings outside Palam are spent with these crazy girls. We have a lot of crazy inside jokes and made crazy nicknames for people in Palam ranging from Wolverine (the very first victim we made on day 1 of orientation which is day 1 of us meeting), Chuck Norris, Bart, That Guy, Si Ketat, Espirit Guy, Chalker Boy, Scumbag (I,II,III,IV), Scumbag Vain, Bitch of Palam (which we shortened to BaLam for easy reference), and a looooooooot more. It’s a crazy clique, I must say.

The Usuals: (from left) me, Azu, Naf, Maro

So I have my loss and gain. I pretty much lived in my own tiny bubble. The reason I don’t wanna go back to Palam is because it reminds me of the bad memories I had, how restricted I made myself there. It’s kind of stupid but it does affect me a lot. I want to go to a new place where I can start over, with an improved ‘me’, in a new environment, new set of people, new everything. That’s the reason; I feel like I can’t start new if I go back there. I feel like I’d get hold back and continue my degree life with the same old attitude that I spent my one year with, restricted. It’s about two weeks until I know my placement for degree, and out of the 10 choices I applied, two of them are in Palam. Will fate be funny to my life and choose that 1/5 chances? Till I write again.

Amalina, xx

Guys, it’s not k-pop!

It’s frustrating how people who don’t listen to Korean songs generalize all songs sung in Korean as “k-pop”. I think people forgot that pop is a genre and there’s a lot of other genres that exist out there and the fact that Korea is not a country that’s limited to producing only pop songs.

Of course this is a problem with an obvious root; the role of k-idols and the tsunami-like hallyu wave spread all around the world. It can’t be helped that Korean idols really contribute a huge chunk in globalizing Korean music industry. Groups like Super Junior, Girls’ Generation, Big Bang and so on are even known by the non-kpoppers (a term widely used nowadays) thanks to their huge publicity all around the world. I know k-pop is not everyone’s cup of tea. Those who like it really fall for it, and those who don’t really have a lot to say about it. I was once on the sideline, watching and not understanding the whole hallyu wave craze. Who knew it’d be like this today. Heol~

But that’s not my point. I admit I am an avid fan of Big Bang before anyone else in this industry, mainly because it was them who brought me in this whole “madness” if I could put it in an appropriate word. Big Bang is such a big name, a leader in k-pop, a force to be reckoned with. I’m also a fan of Shinhwa, B.A.P and JYJ. These four are very much in the k-pop category. I dare mention these four as I am very much familiar with all the members, their habits, their appearances on shows, songs and albums and fandom inside jokes.

Others, not so much. Well I sometimes listen to new songs that come out either by accident, or if on a good day, by my own will. Some songs got my attention and I’ll download them, some, I’ll just listen once in Youtube and that’s that, or even worse, some I didn’t even bother listening to. The event in which I actually download other idols’ songs is rare. Probably 2/5 chance? I do have my bias in some idol groups and personal favorites, like Junhyung, Onew, Junho and a few others, but that’s only about it.

Now on to the point of this post. I admit I am thrown off by this whole k-pop genre too, at times. Sometimes I understand the feelings of others who hate this genre with their guts. It’s very different from the whole mainstream concept that we grew up with, which is strongly conquered by the North America music industry. Having a bunch of guys in eye-liners and flashy outfits and even flashier hairstyles dancing and singing pop songs in a language that sounds alien might be too much to digest for certain people.

But I have come to accept this.

But I’m not particularly a fan of that. I listen to a lot of songs outside the k-pop genre. Even more than k-pop, too if you minus out Bigbang. I’m probably one of the hugest fan of Epik High, even before they got mainstream after entering YG. I listen to indie bands like Delispice, Standing Egg, Mad Soul Child, Big Baby Driver, Vanilla Unity, Dickpunks to name a few. I love ballads. At midnight I’m always on a search for good ballad songs which is why I like 4MEN, Sung Shi Kyung, M to M, Vibe, Sweet Sorrow and a lot others. I enjoy watching Immortal Songs. I wish I Am A Singer is played on tv too. Sometimes I found songs from legendary singers like Lee Seung Chul, Im Jae Bum, Boohwal, Lee Moon Sae, Cho Yong Pil, Kim Dong Ryul that I like. I listen to them a lot too. I’m a huge fan of Roy Kim and people like him.

Other than that, since I watch a lot of dramas, I listen to a lot of OST, which usually fall into the ballad category. Groups like Busker Busker, Nell, 10cm, Ulala Session are so popular in Korea but not much internationally. These people aren’t in the k-pop circle, but mainstream enough not to be called indie. So what are they? Whatever it is it’s definitely not k-pop. All of this is not k-pop. 

The other day I was on Omegle and they had this new feature of typing in a certain keyword and they’ll connect you with strangers that have keyed in the same keyword so you can chat with people that have the same interest as you. I typed out k-pop out of the blue, and was connected with fans of SuJu, SNSD, B2sT and a lot of other idols. I asked each ad everyone of them whether they listened to Busker Busker (I really wanted to share my love of the boys with others) but all of them answered no. Frustrating!

Some people might ask, why do you listen to these korean indie bands/non k-pop groups or singers when you can find other North American bands that play the same genres? I have thought about that and I think it has to do with my love for the language. Even when I hated k-pop before, I have always liked Korean language. I’d follow Korean tourists in malls just to hear them speak. It’s also the fun in learning other language, the satisfaction you get when you understand that language. I’m very much interested in anything Korean. I taught myself how to read and write, and now I can watch shows without subtitles and understanding 70% of it, depending on the contents of it.

This has been a long post, something I have always wanted to let out from me, even if it is in a form of a blog post that might not even be discovered by anyone. If you have reached the end of this post, it is either you can connect with my concern or you just scrolled past all those paragraphs. Whatever that is, I’m glad to have all this typed out.

xx

It hurts to even see your name

Cause I’d be reminded again 

and it’s uncomfortable

and unpleasant.

All the stupid things I did

come flashing at night

in the day

when I’m thinking

when I’m not thinking

but I’m not like that now

I’m a far cry from that now

but just know this

I don’t hate you

I just want to get off each others’ path

not having any connection at all

and not see your face again

cause it hurts to even see your name.

Result day

Finally got my exam result back yesterday. I thought I’d die from anxiousness when the email came 3 in the morning. I was typing an entry at that time, but deleted it halfway out of anxiousness, heh.

To be completely honest and I know some will hate me for saying this, I was really disappointed.

But I didn’t really want to show that I was disappointed, because I don’t think that’d be polite for others who got low pointer and were upset with their result. But still, hiding it won’t completely make it disappear. I was really hoping for a four pointer. This is what I hate about expectation. You crush when it doesn’t exceed.

Last semester I got a 3.91 pointer, which not until today, I believe was my result. That was my first exam. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know how well do you have to do to reach certain pointer. I was predicting 3.2 pointer, back then. And then that digit came out in the email. This was exactly six months ago. And honestly during that six months, up until yesterday, I doubted that 3.91, I really did. I had a lot in my mind back then.

“Did the office messed up other student’s result with mine?”

“I think they keyed in the wrong ID”

“Something might have gone wrong with the system” 

So I had a lot of concern with this semester’s result. But I can’t help but wish for a four pointer after seeing last semester’s result (though still filled with doubt of its legitimacy). But I didn’t get a four pointer. My pointer even decreased this semester, though not by a large margin, making my total CGPA 3.89. It’s really the curse of the last paper. And physics. Physics and me, don’t go that well. And apparently chemistry too.

Meh.

But I still have hope for a four pointer though. Haven’t got my UPU pointer, in which they take the three best subjects only and this pointer will be the one used for entry requirements in local universities.

So now that we’ve got our final result, I think it’s safe to say that I officially have no on-going connection to our foundation life anymore. Goodbye, it wasn’t that nice while it lasted.

책 it out

FireShot Screen Capture #007 - 'Photo by amalinajayari • Instagram' - instagram_com_p_YnEMMezZ3y

I’m on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend

My favorite quote from John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars can be found on page 11

Right before the day I leave for KK, I went to Kinokuniya with my family who came to KL for two reasons, to help me haul my belongings from my college since I was finished with my foundation, and also with vacation ulterior motive; the latter being the main reason. I am always excited whenever I visit Kinokuniya as I was a huge fan of bookstores, what with it being the largest in Malaysia and for the fact that you don’t find any bookstore as complete as Kinokuniya in KK. Which suck balls to be completely honest.

Anyways I bought quite a lot of books courtesy of the book vouchers we all got from the government. Yay to freebies! I’m glad I spent all 200 bucks on books cause I was really contemplating whether or not I should use a huge chunk of it to buy me a new external hard disk (my brother’s friend bought a freaking guitar using the voucher in Eaton) which I seriously thought I need as my laptop’s already almost full with k-dramas, variety shows etc but in the end I did not.

By then my books were already piling up since I had lots of them stacked in my locker, unread from the Big Bad Wolf book sale in Mines that I visited with Iche during the Christmas 2012 break. How can I not, it was mad cheap! I bought Mitch Albom’s For One More Time that I have always been eyeing ever since I saw it being featured on Oprah for 5 bucks when its retail price is 40 bucks. Still, I gotta say my most successful purchase was Haruki Murakami’s 1Q84 book set which I bought for 10 bucks when its retail price was more than 100 bucks. Isn’t that crazy bargain?

Recently I’m into John Green’s works. I read two of his books so far, Looking for Alaska and The Fault in Our Stars. TFIOS got me at page 11, that exact quote that I took photo of above. I also found out they are in the process of making a movie out of it, which I’m both excited and disturbed about. People would quote stuffs from the movie without even reading the book, just like what happened to The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Also for a fact that movie based book always disappoint, just like Norwegian Wood (although Kenichi Matsuyama was a pleasure to look at PLUS surpass the Toru Watanabe that I imagined in my mind while reading NW and the fact that I was a huge huge fan of Kiko Mizuhara). It’s a shame that John Green books are hard to find in KK, if any.

That’s it for the first post. I know an entry about books is a tad too random, paragraphs of it at that. I just felt like rambling about it cause I’ve been reading a lot to fill my free time, aside from the obligatory k-dramas and whatnot.

ps The entry’s title is an intended pun of check it out, whereby the Korean character ‘책’, pronounced as chaek, actually means book in Korean.